Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Most Awkward 94 Minutes of My Life:

So my sister wanted to go to an Adam Lambert concert at a local music festival tonight; and needed a chaperon to take her. I agreed to take her, as any big brother would. So freeing up my Friday and making plans to take her, I find out that her two friends were coming with us. Now, while spending my Friday night with a group of teenage girls doesn't appeal to me the same way it did 15 years ago, I love my sister to death and would do almost anything for her. (We'll get to why I say "almost anything" in just a minute) OK so, I wanted to know what I was in for, so I decided to look up this Adam Lambert guy on online. I pulled up a picture of him and, almost instantly, one of my testicles fell off. I tried to grab it quick in hopes of reattaching it later, but it rolled under the bed out of reach (I figured: "screw it, if Lance Armstrong can get by with one nut, then so can I"). For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, here's what I found:

As I'm a glutton for punishment (and donuts) I decided to download a song of his to see what he sounded like. After the first few bars of this "song", my other testicle exploded. Things were looking pretty bleak, but I figured that with both of my balls already gone, how much worse could things get? Apparently, much worse. 

At the show, this Adam Lambert comes out on stage, dressed in what I can only describe as full-on S&M gear. Seriously, this is the kind of stuff that should be relegated to only the darkest of porno. Everybody in the audience goes nuts for him in approval. He proceeds to produce a noise that I'm sure is an ancient black magic spell for raising the dead. The people rejoice again. Then, the worst part happens. He begins a dance that can best be described as a female stripper routine, but without the pole and the removal of clothing (not that his gimp-gear left much to the imagination to begin with). Not only did nobody at the show seem to have a problem with this, but most people in attendance started to mimic this "dance", my sister and her friends included. Every male instinct I had was screaming to just bail and get the hell out of Dodge, but alas, those instincts were over-ruled by my responsibility to make sure my sister and her friends were safe; so I stayed put and did my best to not vomit. Not only did I have to stand and watch this group abortion, but I was actually encouraged by those around me (again, my sister and her friends included) to join in this new dance craze. Here's where the "almost everything" kicks in. There is not enough brotherly love on planet-freaking-Earth to get me to do that, even if my body was capable of those motions (which, short of having a seizure, I don't think it is). What ensued was the title of this post, the most awkward 94 minutes I have ever had. Damn you, Adam Lambert, damn you...

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